While I spent all this time away from this blog, I kept thinking on how good it was for me to express how I was feeling without having to show it to anyone, all the time.
This space allowed and still does allow me to clear my head and thoughts and stimulates me into writting proper essays, like I had to do in highschool.
Getting to my subject:
This past months were a rollercoster of emotions. I went for it, I drowned in him, I got lost when I got without him, someone looked for me, but I had my goal set and eventually we got back were we always wanted to be: together.
And after what seemed months, weeks with him felt more and more familiar,closer to my heart. This layer that still separates me between myself and..any men, I don't know if it will ever fade. I am a woman whose word is for life, I stick with my promisses and mine was to love my first man. Time cleaned my mind and feelings faded away, but the promise, I see now, stops me from being able to unlock again what I decided to lock at the time the rupture happened.
Will I be able to unlock it now? Is it worth it? Will it take his vow on how much he loves me in order for me to feel it as well? To allow myself to let down my guard? That makes sense, I guess.
Now I'm about to be apart from him for more than two months. I 'll be away and he'll stay here. Can we handle it? Can I? It's so uncertain...
He told me just now "Lav ya". Do you?
I'm gonna go in a few days. Lisbon and all that's beyind me and keeps me standing stays. Please miss me, friends, lover, family, but don't let it hurt us. We should love each other more, after this. Please? I need you ok, for me to be okay, thousands of miles away from you all.
Thanks,
Mariana <3
