Life and love shifts, Lisbon stays

While I spent all this time away from this blog, I kept thinking on how good it was for me to express how I was feeling without having to show it to anyone, all the time.
This space allowed and still does allow me to clear my head and thoughts and stimulates me into writting proper essays, like I had to do in highschool.

Getting to my subject:

This past months were a rollercoster of emotions. I went for it, I drowned in him, I got lost when I got without him, someone looked for me, but I had my goal set and eventually we got back were we always wanted to be: together.

And after what seemed months, weeks with him felt more and more familiar,closer to my heart. This layer that still separates me between myself and..any men, I don't know if it will ever fade. I am a woman whose word is for life, I stick with my promisses and mine was to love my first man. Time cleaned my mind and feelings faded away, but the promise, I see now, stops me from being able to unlock again what I decided to lock at the time the rupture happened.
Will I be able to unlock it now? Is it worth it? Will it take his vow on how much he loves me in order for me to feel it as well? To allow myself to let down my guard? That makes sense, I guess.

Now I'm about to be apart from him for more than two months. I 'll be away and he'll stay here. Can we handle it? Can I? It's so uncertain...

He told me just now "Lav ya". Do you?

I'm gonna go in a few days. Lisbon and all that's beyind me and keeps me standing stays. Please miss me, friends, lover, family, but don't let it hurt us. We should love each other more, after this. Please? I need you ok, for me to be okay, thousands of miles away from you all.

Thanks,
Mariana <3

Taking Love for a walk outside of Lisbon

Although I haven't been writing much in this blog, I have been doing so in a new book I bought which sort of became my diary.

These days I went back at home, spent the Easter with my family, which was nice and I got the time to hang out with my old school friends. Before I came I got the time to spend the best days of these season, followed by the worse. That's sort of what happens when you reach the highest point of your relashionship and the other person decides that he/she doesn't have the hability to keep with it anymore. The reason? In my case, he was afraid of how important we were becoming to each other, and it became scary for him.

It's hard to deal with a person like him, you get the best of him, and the worse then. The best times were spent with him, and at the times I cried the most (lately)..he was the cause for my tears.

And now, if a guy speaks with me and I can feel his interess in me I'm not able to correspond at all and I actually feel as if I was cheating a guy with whom I have no relashionship at this moment. Normal? Not at all...! But I'm not the standard relashionship girl. At some points, I'm the most old-school-minded-girl I know.


I wish I could be more poetic some times...but I guess I'll have to leave it for another time :)

Enjoy your holidays!

Love,
Mariana <3

Life in Lisbon is my love

This past few days I've been exploring this city like I've never explored a city before. With a friend I became familiar with subway stops, with bus and how to walk alone or with company in this city, during the day or at night. And I don't feel so lonely now.
I feel like I've done my share in all my stories, I never hurt anyone on purpose and when someone other than me was hurt, I apologized and we both moved on. In conclusion, I feel better now.

I have a lot to study, since I'm in that time of my final exams, but since those aren't my best graded classes, I presume it will be necessary to go ahead and sign for the second stage of exams... Stil..I'm staying positive, crossing my fingers so that everything works out good...(:

I went to the movies yesterday and watched the most beautiful movie I've watched in years. It's called "Amour" (2012) and I absolutly recommend it... I cryed, laughed, absorbed a hole story that wasn't mine, but felt so close to my heart, although I couldn't and still can't tell why was that. I learned a lot about myself yesterday. :)

Now I'm heading off to my study session.
I wish you well,

Love,
Mariana <3

Love became meanin'less

Love has gone from the most expect to the thing or aspect of my life I fear the most.

I'm dedicated for making this blog, along with all the subjects I'd like to talk about, a process of healing of my own heart.

So, to all the guys out there, thank you so much for making it worth when it's good, but you should seriously consider how to deal with your breakups, not just me, but everyone I know has been hurt by means that could have been overcame. Honesty is indeed the best policy. What's the point of saying that you want to give it a shot, when you actually just want to forget the other's existence? But, you know what? The person you hurt is real, and is in pain because of your lack of communication about what you really, really want.

I am that kind of girl that, although faaaar awaaay from perfection, when it comes to behaviour and resolving situations, I don't let anything pendent. It doesn't work out for neither of the parts...does it?

What makes me mad about this so called blog is how depressive I sound. I am not like this, at all, except for myself, every now and then. Like I said before, I'm gonna get back on my feet.

Love,
Mariana <3

Less Life, less Love, more Lisbon

I am not  in the mood for touchy writing today.

In order not to get psico and wander around my house like a crazy person, doing absolutely nothing except crying and thinking about how miserable I felt, I decided to get out of my house and have a sleepover at a friend's house. God, it was good to me. Have you ever felt like you couldn't sleep? Almost afraid to get in your bed because you already know that you'll get insomnia? I have been feeling like that from a couple of weeks back to now.

So, I walked to the station, picked up the train, and went to my friend's house.
I met lots of people, watched a couple of movies, went to see the city at night and was able to sleep. A lot!  And then, in the other day, we went to the beach and later to a park, a very beautiful, romantic one... I started getting all nostalgic and it was about time to get home...so I picked my thinks up at her place and got to the train once again.

Came home to my room mate, we cooked, chatted and watched tv. Later, when I got to bed, I just knew that it would be hard, but with some effort and happy thoughts, I could finally sleep.

Everything will come to it's place eventually. I don't feel ready to be alone, but if I have to, I'll find my strength. It goes against my nature to give up from hard situations.
So now, all my strength has to be focused to my Media History test tomorrow. Oh God...

I hope everybody's life is going accord to their plans and, if not, better than that.

Love,
Mariana <3

Life, Lisbon, but not love

Yesterday was a good day. House had just been cleaned, a clearer mind, and even a dinner with friends. But when people are people, sometimes it's hard to deal with their feelings without hurting a person. Yesterday night ended not as well as the day itself.
Yesterday I hurt someone. Today, I was hurt.

My interests seem to be decreasing and it comes a point when you need to know when you should stop doing what you want, and you just do what you need. Because "want" and "need" are two, very different concepts.

So, my luck hasn't been pushing very hard to be successful, but I'm trying to reverse my future, as I always preached for unhappy people to do. I'm not unhappy, I'm less happy than I was before... That should change soon.

Hoping to bring better subjects to the table, I retreat now...

Love,
Mariana <3

Life, Lisbon, Love... beginning

This blog was created so that I would find a place, other than a paper journal - which I have no patience to update - where I could, firstly, escape from my daily tasks, obligations and promises, secondly for me to share my passions other than music. They include make-up, clothing and fashion, photography, reading, loving, eating and food confection in general, holidays, studying and learning more about people.

So, at least in it's first days..weeks or months I will remain anonymous (no pictures of myself and no other information other than that my name is Mariana).

So, welcome to the on-line journal of my life, from now on. Since I moved to another city, this is my story :)

I lived with my parents and little sister, who I love and sometimes miss. Now, I found a little apartment which I share with a girl friend of mine, and we live in peace.
I've been an Arts student since my 10th grade, so this new classes I'm taking, which include Law, Economics, Media's History, among others, put me a little out of my comfort zone...But no problem, I'm trying to face it as a challenge. But being so far away from the areas that I love so much have some consequences and that's the hole purpose of this blog.

Hoping that I can clear my mind by writing here, I leave you now.

I'm dinning alone tonight.

New posts soon *

Love,
Mariana <3